I'm excited to read this new collection of essays about Mark Z. Danielewski's The Familiar. One of my favorite set of books. The last essay is by Mark. I dread (pleasantly) reading it.
I collected all of the separate articles into one PDF for my convenience. So if you want that, here's a link.
half•alive — "back around"
great song, great album. this is the only thing I've ever heard that resembles the production on The Velvet Teen's "Cum Laude," particularly the synths and overblown bullhorn vocals on "gyzm kid." If it's not a direct reference, I'd be very surprised!
which track is, by the way, a tour de force:
Do the people you love still come greet you like you'd never left off? Or has your skin become too rough? Is it too hard to even keep in touch?
Yeah, i try my best, but when i can't
And i'm away, know you've all my love
In this sea turtle moment
To have and to hold
As our bodies burden
This returning torrent
it's fucked up that this album is approaching 20 years old
apropos of nothing, since I have this song in my head:
fuck the confederacy and its mewling idiot modern-day supporters :)
but also fuck the imperial united states, all wars of aggression, and all institutions of oppression :)))
This track, and this whole album, have really become hall of famers in my solitary household.
Now you say, "I see your face every turn I make
I find no comfort there"
I add, "I hear your voice with every mistake
It's like you're always here"I feel I've stood here once before
Would you run after me?
Would you run or do we disappear?
My web site broke for a few weeks because of a hosting issue, and I couldn't be bothered to fix it. I barely have energy for the bare minimum right now. I entirely self-isolated from mid-December until last week, not sharing physical space with other people for longer than was necessary, because I was much more worried about covid than almost everyone around me. I hate this virus, this place, this incessant parade of obvious malfunction.
I'm unfortunately reflecting on how many people I've let down in my life, because I had one of my periodic self-destructive breaks. So many friendships I truly loved, exploded because something broke in me while struggling to maintain daily life. I'm pretty sure 90% of the people I've ever met think of me as "that fuckin' guy," when they think of me at all. I'm not just projecting; I've heard secondhand from several people in recent years that former friends I just couldn't keep up with for some reason have very low opinions of me.
I've been trying, the whole time. I'm gonna keep trying. But I keep coming back to a fundamentally unpleasant experience of day to day life. It's terrible in here, being me. Antidepressants kept me alive and functional for the last couple of years, even as I accidentally lost touch with most of the people I was closest to. I started taking them, my emotions went haywire, a long relationship ended, I couldn't bear the group chats, and almost nobody even asked me how I felt about the collapse. Maybe I should have spoken up for myself. I haven't felt like I could, there's no excuse, I just don't function properly. Maybe I need to ask to try different drugs, because it's not looking like daily life is really gonna get any more fun, anytime soon.
Anyway, here's a good song. Bad Suns is one of my favorite bands, both for their sound, and for the words which express this kind of deep discontent alongside an insistent, unfounded optimism.
"Try tuning out all of my doubts and my mistakes
A streetlight intersection moment of reflection
I can’t live my life this way
Silently screaming, lies on the phone,
Every reason to let go of every demon clutching my bones
But this unbearable feeling feels like home"
"I think it might be getting to me."
I'm okay, this song is just hitting today!
I feel fundamentally broken, incapable of interfacing with human life in an agreeable manner… but that didn’t stop a hundred billion dipshits before me!!!
"Look upon me, does the idiot bleed" is one of my favorite things anyone's ever said in a song. And this album has become one I can return to any moment, and revel in.
