POSTS by Nick Splendorr Fri, 26 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0500 The most recent POSTS. pinkerton posts/pinkerton Fri, 26 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0500 all of a sudden I feel disgusting, dysphoric, hateful toward myself. I've never seen "myself" in the mirror, and as my body undergoes multiple slow metamorphoses, age and loss of active lifestyle and estrogen's glacial redistribution, what I see in the full-wall mirrors at the martial arts studio is some other nightmare, an unfamiliar stranger whose face is too like my father's, whose body is outside of the parameters I made uneasy peace with for so many years, if I just didn't think about it I'd be fine, if I just didn't look at it or draw attention to it then I'd be fine, avoid compliments and criticism as much as possible, indifferent and masking and horrid and still trying so hard to be happy

and as I close my eyes in a hot bath that can't contain me, what do I hear but Pinkerton's devil whisper, the album I can map so many of my youthful discomforts onto and that now I hear as such a transgender wail, tired of sex and so far away and I'm dumb she's (I'm) a lesbian, I thought I had found the one, and butterfly, every time I pin down what I think I want it slips away

I guess you're as real as me
maybe I can live with that

but I couldn't, I never did live with it, the ghost slips away and she was me, and I'm suddenly achingly sick of it all again, reliving all the living that was so hard because something about me just rubbed people the wrong way

and I get it

me too!!!!!

and I can endure it because I'm good at enduring but motherfuck I wish my life was aligned with any of my beliefs, any of my dreams, any of my wants and I'm trying and I'll keep trying

but we've made a nasty world and I have always known it even when I couldn't say its name

I don't want sex I just want tenderness
I don't want gender I want to feel weightless
I don't want to be hot I just want to want not
and be accepted and held and loved

I have enjoyed all the moments when I briefly felt real
I look forward to a few more if I can manage it

absence cannot be reconstructed
but it can be illuminated

and i'm lit the fuck up

TWIN PEAKS: 01 posts/twin-peaks-01 Tue, 02 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0500 Hey, look. I'd like to talk about Twin Peaks for a little bit. And gender. Season 3, specifically. And my personal experience. Whether you've seen it or not. I don't have a grand plan. I'm not sure what my voice is anymore. I don't have a specific conclusion or structure yet. Somebody might yell at me. Worse, maybe no one will care.

These are all reasons I've stopped myself from writing in the last few years.

According to my New Rules, none of these apply anymore! YAYYYY! (also, wow, I just re-read my new rules and they're really good. I should listen to myself more often!!!)

SO here's my disclaimer:


It's all made up and probably wrong! If something is incorrect or incomplete, that's okay! I didn't mean for it to be otherwise. I'm gonna speculate about What It All Means and it's gonna be strictly about what happens in my head. I don't care what David Lynch or Mark Frost or anybody else "meant" when they made this. I'm not doing "lore analysis!" We are purely in the realm of fanfiction, fantasy, and an exploration of my interior above all else. If you disagree with me on any point: FANTASTIC! wonderful! be at peace

What we're gonna do:

I'm gonna start watching Twin Peaks: The Return, Episode 1, and anytime I feel like taking a screamshot, I will! And then I'll write something that comes to mind. None of this is going to be in order. I'll refer to other things if I need to (I read literally 9 books about Twin Peaks & David Lynch's work last summer, watched or re-watched all of his movies, and have watched & listened to so many other people's responses). I'm gonna spoil the heck out of everything immediately! And none of what I write is gonna be in any particular order, otherwise I'll think too hard and stop! This isn't a book; I'm just posting! Not academic, not formal, not well-ordered, just notes and observations :)

Oh, and I'll refer to seasons 1 and 2 sometimes, but I'm focused on Season 3 as kind of its own thing (with a long strange history). And also, the incredible and terrifying and heartbreaking film Fire Walk With Me. I'm gonna be a little silly, and I'm gonna be a lot serious!

But I think it might be interesting even if, like most of my dearest friends, you haven't watched any of it! You can let me know if it is. I'd like you to relax your assumptions about what this thing is, because I think it's one of the most interesting televisual things ever made! Please respect my interest!!!!

All right, so I got a greek salad, some hummus, and some kinda juice I forget which kind. Pull up a snack, and let's fucken goooooooooo


violence against women, sexual violence, violence in general, trans issues, dysphoria, body horror, systematic oppression, existential dread, suicide, drugs, depression... a whole bunch of rough stuff!


I re-watched The Return about a year ago, after I had formally recognized that I'm A Trans but hadn't really talked about it with many people yet. When I reached the point where Laura Palmer (who "died" as a senior in high school but is still present in various ways) says, "I'm dead... and yet I live!" I actually started crying. Because for various reasons, known and unknown to me, I've described myself as a ghost since my senior year of high school. A lotta shit went wrong for me that year, but most of it was, in retrospect, tied PRETTY STRONGLY to my increasingly-fraught relationship with ME OL' GENDER that it would take me another decade and a half to work through because our culture sucks shit, and because bad people maintain power by denying us self-knowledge.

Anyway I've said many times, with depressive clarity, that I feel like a ghost. Like my life lost meaning and coherence circa puberty, then BIG TIME during the last year of high school, and that I've been ever more depressed, dissociative, self-loathing, and distraught with each passing year. Good things have happened, wonderful people have loved me, and I've had plenty of happy times. But there's a deep substrate and painful gravity of loss, longing, and misalignment running under everything I've done for over 20 years. Longer if you count — which I do!!! — being bullied out of my personality, by my family and community, from as young as I can remember for being Not Masculine Enough and Absolutely Neurodivergent. Go fuck yourselves, small-minded bigots!

Or as David Lynch's character says in The Return, to David Duchovny's trans character, "And when you became Denise, I told all of your colleagues, those clown comics, to fix their hearts or die!"


So, when Laura Palmer says she died, and yet she lives, I pointed at the screen like Leo #2 in the plane movie. (The turtle is Leo number one.) And for the rest of the watch, I was Thinking About Gender. And wow, uh, you sure can read Twin Peaks as a series of stories taking place in a subconscious or dreaming mind, trying to surface the truth of being a trans girl while it is repeatedly shut down and repressed by trauma and forced masculinity!

And then I read Lou Ming's essays about Finding Laura via dreams, watched some of David's other work through the same lens, and my brain went all kinda places. I'm not gonna be prescriptive or diagnostic about another person. But for me, there is a tremendous amount of illustrative gender dysphoria and discomfort throughout David Lynch's work, including the shattered bliss of impossible lesbian desire in Mulholland Drive, the view-from-the-closet fascination in Blue Velvet, the absolute and terrifying prison of masculinity in Lost Highway, the deep outsider dissociation and mechanized discomfort of occupying the man's role in Eraserhead, the somber acceptance of being physically wrong and never understanding why in The Elephant Man, the emotional paralysis and stunted possibility of being a man in need of connection in The Straight Story, all the way to a kind of ecstatic release into actualized feminine chaos in Inland Empire.

And then there's The Return, which is a summary and mutation of everything that came before it.

Again, I'm not saying this is what Twin Peaks "IS ABOUT," nor am I saying anybody involved "is trans" or has any knowledge of that perspective. There are, unfortunately, a lot of ways and reasons to become fucked up about gender and interpersonal relationships here in the curse of humanity. But I'm saying that it has been helpful and fascinating to me to read it this way, annnnnnd that there are A LOT of ways this reading works:


Laura Palmer is a trans girl who 'died' by going deep into denial as she crossed into adulthood, and that Twin Peaks in its entirety is Laura's internal landscape trying to solve the mystery of how "she" died, the trauma and avoidance in a repeating cycle of preserving the empty "self," and why everything has gone so painfully and terribly wrong without access to that truth.

Because that's what happened to me.


electricity, orb, atom bomb, clouds, good text I like it

All right so I'm gonna make some assertions. This one is based on a premise from this extremely good set of essays, Find Laura, by someone called Lou Ming, who unfortunately appears to have died last year. Starting this is absolutely inspired by his writing, including the format of just watching the show and talking about it in order. I'm going to approach it from a different angle than he did, but there's a lot he observes in there that I found VERY INTERESTING and will be building on here!

One of the questions he asks is: "What if everything anyone says in Twin Peaks is literally true?" DL's work is renowned for being weird and zany and impossible to truly understand. Some people think that's fun, other people think it's bullshit! I've been through every stage. BUUUUUUT as soon as Lou asked that, I felt the tumblers in my headlock spin around rapidly and snap into place. So let's keep that in mind. We might not know what a given statement means, but let's assume that somehow it's true, not just some wacky thing David made up to be mystifying for its own sake!

The man with one arm looking at the camera, saying, "I mean it like it is. Like it sounds."

So after the Rancho Rosa production card, the first thing we see is flying wildly over this zigzag floor. We, the viewer, are here to begin with.

Zigzag becomes red curtain.

The other thing Lou Ming asserts is: the hidden narrative of Twin Peaks is that everything we're seeing is part of Laura Palmer's subconscious attempting to process a trauma she's hidden from so deeply that she can't face it.

All that we see on the screen represents Laura trying to remember while simultaneously repressing the memories of her trauma. When she can finally accept the truth [...], she can live as herself again. In other words, Laura Palmer is not literally, physically dead; she’s so traumatized that she can’t accept her reality.

BING BING BING hello, that is the transgender experience calling, as always, from inside the house!!!

(I'm deliberately omitting the part where Laura Palmer is sexually violated by her father. Not because it's not important, but because I think the depictions of violence against women in this series are really important, right at the heart of this thing. I want to be really careful about how I discuss that; I'm not used to trying to talk about it! It's not what I want to focus on right this second, though I want you to know that I know!)

this guy is important lol, and not just because he's "the hero" of the original show. but we'll get to him

Not as important as her. This footage is from the end of TP season 2, back in 1991. One of the coolest things about Twin Peaks is that it started out neat, became a big mess, and David came back and made the last episode an extremely strange and resonant piece of television, including this assertion by the Dead Girl Who Lives, Laura Palmer, that she would see Agent Cooper (and us) 25 years later.


(there wasn't really a master plan, but the fact that it worked out this way is just one of the neatest things)

okay and then she says, "meanwhile," makes this well-known gesture, and then the film freezes. Fades to black. And comes back up on the cloudy air above Twin Peaks.

So if we take everything literally, we are now being shown things that happened in the meanwhile.

This first shot of the foggy air is different in episode 1 from all the rest; we've got this glowing orb (which we know is Laura, somehow, later) but in the rest of the episodes, we fly INTO Laura's translucent photo!

Here's the same shot in episode 2:

Okay now here's something that I was SO DELIGHTED to see Lou Ming point out, because I had thought of it and was also ready to dismiss it. But he says:

The opening credits begin when Laura’s image has faded away. The fact that the camera will literally pull our POV into the head of Laura Palmer at the beginning of every episode from now on is so direct a visual metaphor I’m almost embarrassed to mention it, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it mentioned elsewhere.

YEP. But it's the kind of thing that like... we tend to process as abstraction? Or as... as a special effect. As just a thing that sometimes happens in televisual media. Sometimes there's an overlaid image! Often to remind us of something. And it would make sense to be reminded of Laura Palmer at the start of these episodes, because David asserts repeatedly (and so does the show) that Laura is the the pivot point of everything we see.

But David Lynch doesn't use editing or special effects in the usual way. I mean this! I've studied it and you're gonna have to trust me, but part of what makes his movies "feel so weird" is that the camera doesn't move in ways we expect. Techniques are used, but the timing is off, or the placement is strange. And I think David has a very literal image brain, combined with a tendency to also see very strange things. So there are lots of examples in his films (and we're calling TP3 a film) of camera movement being actual abstract movement, not just for "cinematic effect" or drama, but as like... a game mechanic.

AND his special effects are really weird! I saw some people talk really negatively about some of the effects later on in The Return, because they "look cheap." I don't think so! They look strange, but that's different. Things like Laura taking her face off and showing something weird moving around inside — it looks "fake" because, YEAH THAT'S NOT A NORMAL THING THAT CAN HAPPEN. And I think the unusual look is deliberate (or at least I choose to view it that way, who knows what DL is thinking and I already told you it's not important to me) because it helps reinforce the strangeness.

(Realism in televisual media is overvalued. Animation and effects should communicate feeling and meaning, not strive to trick us into seeing the unreal as real. This is why the animated Disney movies, which were mostly created playfully by expressive (many queer) artists about feelings, are flawed but utterly untouchable by the "live action" aka entirely-computer-generated remakes, which are about.......... distorting our sense of reality? Subduing us with Spectacle?? Perpetually recolonizing the imagination??? ANYWAY NEEDLESS TANGENT but I told you I'm just typing stuff)

There are several prominent depictions of things overlaid on top of each other that I think convey meaning, not just transition. Cooper's face speaking over the "climactic battle" scene towards the end. Trees overlaid on dark roads (I'll get there). Even later in the opening, we go off the side of the waterfall, water overlaid with waving curtains, overlaid with zigzag floor, fading to black, and then we're off...

So, let's take it literally. Things shown visually blended are the same thing, or are very closely related. That's cool! Maybe a kind of wave-particle thing. And in this shot? We see a bunch of things overlaid: Laura Palmer's high school photo. Fog, literally the air around us. Trees, the forest that means so much in Twin Peaks, which I read as the subconscious darkness from which everything emerged. The sawmill, transforming raw lumber into usable material. Ghostwood Forest, colonized and cauterized by white humans, still a precious enough resource that Audrey chains herself catastrophically to the bank vault to prevent its further commodification, finally cut down to build a massive prison. This is all hugely important! And it's not even all subtext!!!!!

Here, we're being shown, all of this is Laura.

And as an image of Coop staring at the camera is overlaid halfway through Part 17, we hear his slowed & deepened voice say, "We live inside a dream."

OR MAYBE NOT, who can never be sure?


If you know Twin Peaks well, some of this is going to sound obvious. Maybe it is! Let's take a closer look anyway.

One thing to remember is: Laura's dead. We're looking at dead girl, sitting and talking with an alive guy, in some space that isn't "the real world." Laura's strange speech is filmed in a really cool way: they filmed everybody talking and moving in reverse. And they didn't have computer editing in 1991, so they actually came up with a way to load film into a camera so that it was physically filmed backwards!! That rules.

But why is it like this? Again, maybe David just "wants things to feel weird." And it sure does work! To me it feels like there's a translation layer; these reverse-reversed shots, which also use strange wording, are like the dreaming brain communicating with the waking. Dale's not reversed; he's the only person who ever speaks "normally" in this red-curtained room (what they call The Red Room, or as Bad Cooper says later, "what they call the Black Lodge," meaning that's not what these places are actually called. And names matter). Why? He's our perspective? He's the Agent of decrypting these messages. He finds this place, gets trapped there, is duplicated and ethically-mirrored, and stays here for 25 years. As we're about to see.

After we enter the fog, crossfade to A Smokestack. Part of the Mill, I think!

It correlates with this shot from the Original Series opening:

Except now the smokestacks are dead, everything is still and surrounded by fog. Then where the original series really dwells on the interior of the factory, the sharpening of blades and casting off of fire, the Dead Mill crossfades to the High School. Both quintessentially American factories, attempting to turn out uniform products compatible with the needs of business.

Season 1:

Season 3:

If crossfading indicates connection, then I'm not just being hyperbolic! I think this is kind of the core of Twin Peaks, and especially Season 3: the violence committed by the United States against everyone, including its own people. Particularly by impoverishing us, financially and morally, and keeping us from being Our True Selves so that we'll continue the cycle.

It's been 25 years. How much have things changed from the tragicomic soap opera suffering of Season 1 up to now?

OKAY focusing again on S3 E1, we see the girl running and crying (with blue socks and collar) in slow motion, and then the trophy case featuring Laura Palmer's senior photo.

THIS LITERALLY JUST OCCURRED TO ME, but Laura is on display here as a trophy. Like a buck's head mounted to the wall (like Buckhorn, South Dakota), she is dead and preserved. An ideal. An idea.

This is one of many many things that has an obvious surface reading; it's normal to put photos of students in the trophy case, right? There are others alongside.

But IF we're inside Laura's dream, the dream of being Laura, then this huge picture in the dead center of the trophy case is pretty ominous.

And again, we move slowly in on the photo, and then the title is overlaid across her eyes, the Jane Doe lightly obscured.

What's the correlating shot in the original credits?

Oh, just the industrialized sharpening of blades. Machines designed to turn beautiful, natural life into construction materials.

If Laura is the raw material — what's the product?



test pattern posts/test-pattern Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0500 ]]> afterlife of works — past comes alive — capable of receiving — now of recognizability — a lightning flash — times embedded in the spaces of things posts/afterlife-of-works-past-comes-alive-capable-of-receiving-now-of-recognizability-a-lightning-flash-times-embedded-in-the-spaces-of-things Mon, 20 Nov 2023 00:00:00 -0500 This page from the Translator’s Introduction to Walter Benjamin’s “The Arcades Project” is extremely interesting, and activates my Mark Z. Danielewski Sense re: Only Revolutions BIG TIME

Unfortunately, I do not have the mental energy to explain. I can simply point at this and raise my eyebrows repeatedly. Mostly the second paragraph.

I also really appreciate “an uncanny sense of crisis and of security, of crisis in security.” “things were coming to seem more entirely material than ever and, at the same time , more spectral and estranged.” That’s a pretty accurate description of my life experience!

Anyway I wish I felt like explaining the Big Thoughts that happen when I read stuff like this. I don’t, and it also doesn’t feel like it’s worth the effort. BUT OH WEL

the cat's claw churns the earth posts/the-cats-claw-churns-the-earth Thu, 02 Nov 2023 00:00:00 -0400 [I can't remember if I've ever posted this. I used to write poems all the time; this fell out one morning and stayed lodged in my brain. I remembered it this morning, so you can read it if you'd like.]

And suddenly again how normal it is that everything's screaming green, that everytree's swaddled in mutebright leaves. Through the chart of glass or the impenetrable gas of that most fair, their shuffling and huffing is enticement and grace.

This is nowhere near enough, and leaves are allwhere near their ghosts, who folded and fell and ascended to the xylem hall of heaven — which is spring — or the winged stomach of heaven — which is on the move — or the downy grey fuzz of freshloam surl, earthy kids ready to roar slowly forth with tender shoots from stomped-on mounds.

The cat's claw churns the earth.
Inventured farmhands rake the weeds.
Being this lonely sure is hard work.

NEW RULES posts/new-rules Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0400 I'm feeling unusually like "myself" right now, and am once again trying to activate whatever "myself" is!!!

In the spirit of constructive assertion, I'm gonna improvise some New Rules/Goals/Hopes!

I will not be afraid of what people say about my art!

I have become terrified over time of what people will say when I put art into the world in any medium. And not without reason! My own mother said I sounded "insane" after publishing a short essay in 2016, but luckily/complicatedly I realized by the end of that year that my family was not good for me, and cut them out of my life. HOWEVER, that's just one of many instances where eager little (and big) Nick published something and received outrageous negative responses. And I struggled to build enough of a "thick skin" to brush that stuff off, mostly because I was poor, unmedicated, and fucking suffering for years!!! Fuck you if you've ever been anything less than helpful when the tender shoots of my creativity have tried again and again to emerge from my scorched interior.

That probably doesn't apply to anybody who would read this (who even are you?) BUT, still I say to protect myself, fuck you! I am brilliant and insightful and funny and have a creative mind unlike any other and I've encountered so much fucking friction and setback in my life. Unstable footing for most of my adult life.

SO EVEN THOUGH THAT'S STILL THE CASE, I have identified that if I'm not writing, I'm dying. I exist primarily in my voice, for better or worse. And I've become my own jailer, just to avoid the possible whiplash of having an enjoyable time writing, posting it online somewhere, and having somebody say exactly the wrong thing to me. If it happens, I am resolving to respond with protective venom, rather than spending the next year going "were they right though? am I stupid/insane/annoying/ignorant/????"

Because the people I trust say I'm not. I tried to trust some of the wrong people for too long. If your family doesn't love you and treat you with dignity, get the fuck away from them. If randos don't understand your writing, they aren't the target audience.

(ASIDE: if you're being a fucking bigot though, you ARE wrong and should take criticism to heart. these rules do not apply to racists/bigots/terfs/conservatives of any stripe. y'all all gotta shut the fuck up and let the rest of us save the world and live in peace. you grew up wrong. I'm not sorry. get entirely out of the fucking way 😜)

Write without worrying about being ""CORRECT""!

This is a major hangup and inhibitor! Unfortunately for me, a lot of what I've wanted to write about are interpretive responses to other people's art. That means Opinions get involved, and people feel strongly about their things! Including me!

I made the mistake of couching that writing for a long time as "solving" or "explaining." Oops! That's a masculine form of assertion that I want to discard! Hugely important tweet I saw a couple years ago said something like, "When women make up something about a story they like, they call it Fanfiction. When men do the same, they call it Lore Analysis." And I have been so guilty of this!!! And it sucks! The thing that you can do as analysis is really cool and fun, but what I don't want to do anymore is assert that I've "figured it out" or "cracked the code." I was in that trap writing about House of Leaves, etc, a decade ago. The desire for correctness (born out of academic do-gooder training AND harmful family dynamics where my parents got very angry when their Correctness was questioned AND [...]) is unnecessary here. It literarily doesn't matter.

I have stuff I want to write about several topics, including Twin Peaks and Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter. Hell, I've got a book or two worth of interpretive connections I could still write about Mark Danielewski's books. But I haven't been able to DO it, or enjoy it, because of this specific form of fear about being received uncharitably.

SO, I intend to write more about these things, and I'm gonna start all of it with a disclaimer that it's all made up, probably wrong, and just for fun. For some reason I want to take myself seriously (a true desire for dignity and recognition built on familial disrespect, when I should have just been a fucking improv comic at age 18). OOPS! Even if I do take myself seriously, nobody else needs to know that! Play along, or go fuck yourself!

I guess I've gotten more cynical and harder-hearted in the last few years, but CAN YA BLAME ME? This shit's ridiculous but at least I'd like to enjoy myself, being inside my own mind, A LITTLE and if I have to construct somewhat unreasonable defenses, well I'm sure as shit not the only one!

But I'm not Jokerfied... I'm Harleyfied. 😎 Casting off the abusers, sure a little chaotic, but god damn it I'm trying!


I will be honest with and about myself!

I've dealt with an unbearable burden of self-loathing that's only increased since puberty. And SURE that includes plenty of true catastrophe and external sabotage — not to mention living in the Saw Movie Hellscape of the Untenable States of Ahfuck. Can you imagine if I'd been born in a country with fucking healthcare and a social safety net??? WOWWWWW

But anyway, oops turns out I'm trans! FUCK! Seriously, FUCK!!!!!!!! God damn it!!!!! I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS been utterly uncomfortable with masculinity, and chalked that up to being a nerd, sensitive, thoughtful in a way most men are allergic to. And I am those things. But ALSO OOPS nobody taught me that Transgender was even a thing growing up, and I was so busy dealing with Everything Else that I just put aside Gender as a thing. Other people had Gender; not me! It was always "a group of queer friends... and also Nick!"

So yeah this has been a huge issue for me for as long as I can remember, and LORD did I do a lot of work to ignore it, and myself! But I had a series of events in late 2019 that destroyed my entire life as it existed before, and that included a deep moment of connection with a trans friend where I went, "Uh oh!" And then everything blew up, then covid kicked off, and I couldn't really even afford to pay rent for a couple years. Fuck!!!

So anyway I got a better-paying job about 2 years ago, started talking to a counselor specializing in Gender, and reading about other people's experiences. And was immediately like, "Ah shit ah hell, now I gotta deal with THIS TOO????" and the answer is yes.

Guess what else? A few years ago I started taking antidepressants. WOW, IT'S COOL TO WANT TO LIVE! I got diagnosed with ADHD and started treatment for that about 9 months ago. WOW, I LOVE BEING ABLE TO DO TASKS! And then I started estrogen in March. WOW, FEELS PRETTY COOL AND ALSO COMPLICATED! And then I took some diagnostic tests and tested to be pretty firmly on the autistic spectrum! WOW, THAT EXPLAINS A FEW THINGS!

So here's the thing: my dumbfuck family and this cursed nation kept me from getting tested for any of this stuff until my 30s. No help, no accommodations, no understanding! Just so many people, from as early as I can remember, calling me every derogatory word for being queer, hyperactive, disorganized, and neurodivergent! I was 7 years old and people lobbed "gay" and other slurs at me because I wasn't sufficiently masculine. "But I'm not attracted to boys, so that can't be right," thought every trans lesbian egg ever, including me! Everyone I've ever met has looked at me at some point and said, "You are one of the strangest people I've ever met," and I just shrug and laugh and make it a joke because


And I managed to goof my way through life, struggling so hard to be "functional", while constantly running up against difficulty after difficulty. Especially around communication, where I learned to be so careful and that's good sometimes but also: SO FUCKING EXHAUSTING


We got ourselves another autistic adhd trans lesbian computer programmer over here, HELLOOOOO, I dunno if I wanna change my name some day but you can use she/her pronouns about me IF YOU WANT and otherwise WHATEVER WE'LL SEE

and honestly I'd just like to ask for your help and love and accommodation because the last few years have been so hard on me and being social during all of this shit has just been a nightmare so much of the time. All of these "new rules" are related: I have not felt SAFE or HAPPY being MYSELF and while being open doesn't necessarily increase my SAFETY in this FUCKED UP STUPID WORLD OF MILITANT TERF DUNCES AND HEARTLESS FUCKS, I've at least


And if you don't like it, LITERALLY BYEEEEEEEEE

It's all made up and the points don't matter! I just want to enjoy what's left of the improvisation

NEW PAERISH ALBUM posts/new-paerish-album Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0400 One of the great new rocks bands of this decade, BACK AT IT, get yourself some FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL with CHILL ASS VOCALS

buy it on bandcamp and support my little rock bubbies

the opinions of the easily frightened posts/the-opinions-of-the-easily-frightened Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0400 ]]> i'm a posts/im-a Wed, 17 May 2023 00:00:00 -0400 i'm a genius, i'm a idot, i'm a dynamo, i'm barely functioning, i'm a starbeam, i'm a sweat-starved desert plant always wondering why they made the world so thirsty and why no god wanted me to bloom

i'm hilarious, i'm unbearable, i'm shedding yet another, i'm buried alive, i'm a three-year sunray smiling down on one more barren rock, wondering where all the people went, I knew them when I was only seven minutes old

i think poetry is stupid, it's my favorite thing, i'm the cork suffocating the teeny ship, i'm the howlwind crooning through another craggy afternoon, i'm verified, i'm illegal in an increasing number of states, i'm resentful of having been born in an age where there's medicine enough to have saved me from calamity but no cure for dragons

i'm the ice cracked by a footstep, i'm so hungry for love, i'm the coral watching killer waves refuse support groups, i'm literally begging, i'm an innovative paper that decides whether your words deserve to survive and i will evaporate every last bastard cry


i'm scurrying under the fridge, i'm the brief bloom of youth, i'm the tornado picking and choosing my favorite flavor of house from a gift-wrapped city, i'm not even an office i'm just a felt-stapled partition and i only get to see the backs of thumb-tacked baby photos

i'm a new kind of tired. i'm the fourth smokestack, just for show. the world would look wrong without me. i'm wondering how much better if we didn't keep losing our best to despair. i'm bawling. we're still here

"and it's hungriest in the spring" posts/and-its-hungriest-in-the-spring Mon, 24 Apr 2023 00:00:00 -0400 Time for two great songs that feel fantastic to scream along with, even when I'm having a nice day (like today)!






"I'm Growing Up, And I'm Giving In" posts/im-growing-up-and-im-giving-in Thu, 20 Apr 2023 00:00:00 -0400 The Dream Is Over by PUP

PUP — "Can't Win"

I'm feelin' pretty good right now, but I know these feelings too well. I really appreciate how much this album blasts forward into the fun zone, while capturing and redirecting all the vicious self-recrimination of the depressed and impoverished. The whole album is one of the most constructively cathartic I've ever heard.


"it's happening all over again" posts/its-happening-all-over-again Tue, 28 Mar 2023 00:00:00 -0400 Spending Time On The Borderline by Ozma


fuck yeah, it's ozma time again. I've been hollering to this album since 2003.

"just enough to know it's there" posts/just-enough-to-know-its-there Mon, 13 Mar 2023 00:00:00 -0400

jimmy eat world — "polaris"

i'm going to live on the hill that jimmy eat world is one of the great rock bands

"Who speaks before his thoughts are done" posts/who-speaks-before-his-thoughts-are-done Tue, 21 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0500

the juliana theory — if i told you this was killing me, would you stop?

I still love this album, allllll these years later. Playing this live with my high school rock band is a very happy, satisfying memory :)

(though for the record, I felt it so deeply because I kept trying to say it was killing me, and unfortunately they did not stop)

"While you watch the world in stages, taking piece after piece of your heart" posts/while-you-watch-the-world-in-stages-taking-piece-after-piece-of-your-heart Tue, 24 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0500 endlings by Michael Flynn

"to the birds that sing in cages" — michael flynn (not that one)

Beat back the night
Tell it to leave you alone

stifled voice posts/stifled-voice Tue, 24 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0500 I'm trying to write letters to several people. Apologies, catch-ups, explanations, reconnections.

Writing used to be the most natural thing in the world to me. I wrote notebooks-full and novels-worth of letters, diaries, lyrics, stories, and poems, throughout my life into my 20s.

The less pleasant my life got, the poorer my wallet, the longer my various biochemical conditions went untreated while material conditions failed to improve to compensate... it got harder and harder to access the free flowing of words.

My own voice. Disgusting to me. Painful. Recriminative. I didn't believe in my own thoughts. Didn't want to write letters because what was the point? Just to tell someone who cares about me how bad I felt? To write another story that turned into self-destruction? To write a song nobody was going to hear?

I miss it. Desperately. Always. But when I start, in any medium besides a vague live journal-style post, it hurts so badly immediately. My heart races, I flood with anger and regret and despair, at all the lost time, at my lost life. It hurts. I can't describe how badly it hurts, and how venomously angry I am that my enjoyment of my own mind has been taken or lost. I truly hate it in here, y'all. And when my voice, my heart, comes out, it is furious. It can't believe this is still going on. That the happy-hearted, creative little kid has turned into a resentful, stymied, old bastard.

... See what I mean?

Anyway, I want to write letters to people I've let down or let go. Not to justify myself, but to explain that they didn't do anything wrong. That it's just me, suffering primarily in silence, confused and lost and hurting, unable to communicate clearly.

I've been accosted too many times for my words. I've written from my heart and had my life literally ruined, harm done, attacked by those who were supposed to care for me. I've also written things that have made other people happy, entertained, informed. Sometimes the same things. I haven't had a stable enough foundation of confidence to withstand the criticism, deserved or not, for a long, long time.

Sara once wondered aloud why she so often fell for emotionally-unavailable men. Meaning me. I said, "I don't know." But in my heart I was screaming, because I wasn't born this way. I was made, damaged, beaten, coerced. The friction of so many meaningless, moneyless days. The insistent and abusive control of my parents, who only loved me when I did exactly what they wanted. The partners who misinterpreted me despite my best efforts, out of their own trauma and suspicion. My naive belief that if I just kept trying to make a connection with someone who was dead-set against me, that a bridge could be formed. A childhood surrounded by friends, family, and people who clapped for my clowning, giving way to an adult life cut off from the world, trying and too-late escaping my family, sweating in rural Georgia for no reason besides literally never having enough money to entertain moving elsewhere under my own velocity.

Anyway. I can write this, and hope that it will give way to writing more directly and constructively to a person, instead of generally to whoever still clicks to this webpage, despite everything. Instead I'll go back to work, where communication is draining my energy, where again for some reason I can't get people to really hear what I'm saying, to believe that I know what I'm talking about, that maybe the reason I seem so strange and threatening is because I do know things they don't, and that I am, as usual, several steps ahead and falling increasingly behind.

I want to believe in my life. In my voice. I don't right now. This is just barking at the window. I'm trying to find my way to myself. I've been trying for almost 20 years.

"been so cold to the ones who loved me" posts/been-so-cold-to-the-ones-who-loved-me Thu, 12 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0500

the weeknd — "out of time"

"Feel waves with low emotion" posts/feel-waves-with-low-emotion Wed, 04 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0500 Physical Thrills by Silversun Pickups

"stay down" — silversun pickups

Smothering our sons and daughters
Some swim, some float
Washed out of particular seas

I wanna swim in a beautiful ocean
Feel waves with low emotion
A little change, a little hope

Some words ring better than others
Limiting the sounds we mutter
Some sing, some don't
A little piece of a beautiful world
Once said and overheard

Just another sign
Best to keep that body down

"do the things you desire" posts/do-the-things-you-desire Fri, 16 Dec 2022 00:00:00 -0500 Cum Laude! by The Velvet Teen

the velvet teen — gyzmkid

one of the coolest-sounding songs? or the coolest-sounding song? you decide

Do the people you love
Still come greet you like you'd never left off
Or has your skin become too rough
Is it too hard to even keep in touch

Yeah, i try my best, but when i can't
And i'm away, know you've all my love
In this sea turtle moment

"or wish my name had been vasectomy" posts/or-wish-my-name-had-been-vasectomy Fri, 16 Dec 2022 00:00:00 -0500 Cum Laude! by The Velvet Teen

the velvet teen — "no one gets the best of me"

Yeah, some say that this life ain't the only one we get
I once claimed that I'd found myself when I'd only been chasing my own silhouette

So point the finger at whom you like
Or raise your head and curse the sky
It makes no difference
That's why I never could decide