POSTS by Nick Splendorr Wed, 05 Jan 2022 00:00:00 -0500 The most recent POSTS. "Tip the weight that makes this whole thing give" posts/tip-the-weight-that-makes-this-whole-thing-give Wed, 05 Jan 2022 00:00:00 -0500 LONER by Caroline Rose

"I think it might be getting to me."

I'm okay, this song is just hitting today!

“only in reruns” posts/only-in-reruns Fri, 10 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0500

I feel fundamentally broken, incapable of interfacing with human life in an agreeable manner… but that didn’t stop a hundred billion dipshits before me!!!

"Did you try to rearrange the stars?" posts/did-you-try-to-rearrange-the-stars Wed, 08 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0500 False Youth Etcetera by Roadkill Ghost Choir

"Look upon me, does the idiot bleed" is one of my favorite things anyone's ever said in a song. And this album has become one I can return to any moment, and revel in.

P FACTS posts/p-facts Tue, 07 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0500

Super Sonic Saves the World

GrandPOObear’s excellent playthrough

"With a quiet face" posts/with-a-quiet-face Mon, 06 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0500

Jimmy Eat World — "It Matters"

I just can't get enough of how this song sounds

look posts/look Sat, 04 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0500 I keep trying to start writing about “how I feel” right now, and it’s both too hard to articulate AND immediately boring to me. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do if you can’t be even a little bit invested in your own story, but right now I’m finding that really difficult!

Anyway, just wanted to type out loud that if I could be less of a weird fuck-up, I would be!!! And I’m always trying to be. I’ve learned so much, but feel like I started from such a deficit in terms of understanding anything at all, while accruing increasing damage along the way. It hurts to try to have bigger, deeper thoughts right now. Like walking on glass. There’s just too much, within myself, and in the unfortunate world, to grapple with right now. I barely survived the last few years. I’m maybe in a more stable place now. I’m really, really trying to be all right and do well by the people who still put up with me.

"Lost and lurking, wonder 'til we're cold" posts/lost-and-lurking-wonder-til-were-cold Tue, 23 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0500

Jimmy Eat World — Sure and Certain

"What you do works for a time,
until you drop without a warning

"A trap we build ourselves, we can't be without" posts/a-trap-we-build-ourselves-we-cant-be-without Tue, 23 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0500

Jimmy Eat World — It Matters

"I imagine talks that last all night.
Never bring it up, but every day I want to.
I think about us dancing, but it's not something we do.
Well there's my dream — doesn't it sound good to you?"

once again asking posts/once-again-asking Sun, 14 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0500 why is it so hard to feel good for very long at all? good lord. I haven’t been able to fully relax in at least a month and I’m feeling it!

why does the mind decide to want things

“Let the sirens sing us to sleep” posts/let-the-sirens-sing-us-to-sleep Sun, 14 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0500 Pretend Like by Michael Flynn

What a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAS THIS USEFUL? posts/was-this-useful Fri, 29 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0400 I do not believe in astrology. I think it’s an interface for collapsing unfathomable individuals into crayon-labeled hardware drawers. I also think it’s a form of fascist-adjacent thinking which essentializes people into hierarchical categories! And I think it’s bizarre that real living people who would object vociferously to judging others based on their race, sex, gender, orientation, or otherwise identifying characteristic, will positively leap at the chance to not only make assumptions about another person based on their birth date, but will loudly and smugly announce these assumptions to that person’s face.

“Oh, yeah. You would say that,” the horoscope-liker will say. “Because you’re a [INSERT RACE].” Doesn’t feel so good, huh???

Well anyway, it seems like we all have to believe in some bullshit, so oh well. And as one of many things I expose myself to simply so I might understand other people better through direct experience — and because unexpected inputs can produce interesting thoughts, which is what makes tarot etc useful tools for self-reflection — I let the Co-Star telephone application send me messages. I let each fall into my consciousness like a coin into a well, and I listen for how long it takes to hit the water.


This is an interesting observation, which has nothing to do with my place in the cosmic pattern. As someone who has struggled to forget my dreams, both waking and sleeping, and has been plagued by trying to maintain a personage who no longer exists, I appreciate the reminder.

Where does Quake live inside me? posts/where-does-quake-live-inside-me Mon, 18 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0400 Where do memories live? How long can they lie dormant? What selects what sticks and what doesn’t? Where does Quake live inside me?

Scrounging around for feelings last week, making room on my Windows machine’s hard drive, I saw that I had access to the new Quake remasters. I don’t play FPS games on keyboard & mouse anymore due to RSI that showed up ten years ago, but Quake and the original Team Fortress were such formative experiences for me that I wanted to revisit them.

Dropping into the game was bizarre, truly surreal; like stepping not just into a past home but a former body, the movement disorienting and then immediately familiar. The level I always remember as first wasn’t; the very first level I hardly remembered at all. But there it was, as the second level: the room with boxes behind, and a little bridged canal before a door ahead. I knew these places, intuitively; many details elided, but so many details present. I knew where secrets lay — but not all of them. I played through the entire first campaign very quickly, and maybe the strangest moment was entering a little dead-end room with 3 alcoves. I knew something was there, poked into 2 of them without firing, and then in the third felt a tickle of memory, shot the gun… and a secret door opened ahead.

What are we? Seriously. What the fuck is the human mind? How do we exist, that fully 20 years can pass, and a simulated space in a video game can still be retained, somewhere inside, as a tactile experience detailed enough to remember that this corner of a complex geometrical space contains a secret? While other secrets, and even basic layout, are forgotten? Returned to strange?

We are drowning in imagery, stuffed with narrative, and still there’s never enough.

"And the things you hope someday will come keep waiting" posts/and-the-things-you-hope-someday-will-come-keep-waiting Thu, 07 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0400

jimmy eat world — delivery

I can only be so much "potentially."
From the rest, I patiently request delivery.

jimmy eat world — 555

I keep my focus on the simple things,
Trying to find some peace along the way.
Wish I knew how long I'm supposed to wait —
Holding on, but just barely.

I'm doing the things that I'm told every day!
Then why does it feel like I'm moving in place?

"You'll take awkward possession of nothing you really wanted" posts/youll-take-awkward-possession-of-nothing-you-really-wanted Wed, 06 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0400

jimmy eat world — congratulations

that fucken ending

warp posts/warp Tue, 28 Sep 2021 00:00:00 -0400 fixing bugs in the playdate game, warping back to problems I created and solved a year ago.

putting on music from last summer, hoping they'll fit the keyholes of memory and help me remember how this all works.

what an incredible amount has been lost and otherwise changed from when I sat in the dark listening to this music, slowly unraveling how to make this game.

"While you make up hypotheses out of thin air
I am another solid mystery when it comes to you
Michael, I’m the puzzle in the other room"

"The naked landscapes of our minds
We’ll crack open our minds

I am one to keep everything on"

problems unresolved, on all fronts. doing my best. here we go, ungainly.

someday soon, someone will play the same.

The Law posts/the-law Sun, 26 Sep 2021 00:00:00 -0400 I feel like I need to think a little more about the specifics here, but when Orson Welles said:

H.J.: In the old days, all those big deals were made on a handshake. With no contract. And they were all honored.

O.W.: In common with all Protestant or Jewish cultures, America was developed on the idea that your word is your bond. Otherwise, the frontier could never have been opened, ’cause it was lawless. A man’s word had to mean something. My theory is that everything went to hell with Prohibition, because it was a law nobody could obey. So the whole concept of the rule of law was corrupted at that moment. Then came Vietnam, and marijuana, which clearly shouldn’t be illegal, but is. If you go to jail for ten years in Texas when you light up a joint, who are you? You’re a lawbreaker. It’s just like Prohibition was. When people accept breaking the law as normal, something happens to the whole society. You see?

It kind of goes a long way to explaining the persistent state of disagreement, distrust, and madness in our country, doesn’t it? Maybe it wasn’t really better before Prohibition, probably on “the frontier” things were dirtier and distrustful in different ways, but there is something awful about walking around with the knowledge your whole life that things which should be legal aren’t, and things which are perfectly natural are illegal or discouraged with extrajudicial violence. And that you can live perfectly decently, and never get ahead, while people who are clearly immoral and on the take just grow in power. It’s enough to drive ya batty!!!

"there's much more to life than dyin' over your past mistakes" posts/theres-much-more-to-life-than-dyin-over-your-past-mistakes Tue, 21 Sep 2021 00:00:00 -0400

lil nas x — sun goes down

I really like the album!!!

never “turning imaginary cartwheels” posts/never-turning-imaginary-cartwheels Tue, 21 Sep 2021 00:00:00 -0400 as far as I’ve come in the last few years, I can still feel the yearning out of how little of my life I’ve been able to really live, for lack of money, of purpose, of anything approaching personal satisfaction. and how many beautiful things I’ve dismantled or drifted away from because at root I could never be satisfied with — never even be myself. Trained and broken on the shores of hope, never dry, always shivering and looking for shelter from both moon and sun. Always wishing. Then I stopped wishing. And I had the desperation to hope again, but to include effort, excruciating effort because I had every reason to expect I’d fail again. That getting in the robot could just as easily end the world.

How many of us live this way?

I’ve started a new job, one that I hope will be my job, one I can grow into and bloom within. I’m a ragged houseplant re-potted once again. It’s strange to feel like there might be room here. But I’m nowhere near healed from everything I’ve endured as well as I could. And I’m not sure when or whether I’ll really be able to feel like I’m living, rather than… whatever this has been.

"Living While Black, In Japan" posts/living-while-black-in-japan Mon, 20 Sep 2021 00:00:00 -0400

Watch this.

I don't know how, but we have to dismantle the American police state.

"In between the molecules is cold" posts/in-between-the-molecules-is-cold Fri, 20 Aug 2021 00:00:00 -0400

Brave Saint Saturn — "Titan"

I've always loved the stomping piano on this song