My web site broke for a few weeks because of a hosting issue, and I couldn't be bothered to fix it. I barely have energy for the bare minimum right now. I entirely self-isolated from mid-December until last week, not sharing physical space with other people for longer than was necessary, because I was much more worried about covid than almost everyone around me. I hate this virus, this place, this incessant parade of obvious malfunction.

I'm unfortunately reflecting on how many people I've let down in my life, because I had one of my periodic self-destructive breaks. So many friendships I truly loved, exploded because something broke in me while struggling to maintain daily life. I'm pretty sure 90% of the people I've ever met think of me as "that fuckin' guy," when they think of me at all. I'm not just projecting; I've heard secondhand from several people in recent years that former friends I just couldn't keep up with for some reason have very low opinions of me.

I've been trying, the whole time. I'm gonna keep trying. But I keep coming back to a fundamentally unpleasant experience of day to day life. It's terrible in here, being me. Antidepressants kept me alive and functional for the last couple of years, even as I accidentally lost touch with most of the people I was closest to. I started taking them, my emotions went haywire, a long relationship ended, I couldn't bear the group chats, and almost nobody even asked me how I felt about the collapse. Maybe I should have spoken up for myself. I haven't felt like I could, there's no excuse, I just don't function properly. Maybe I need to ask to try different drugs, because it's not looking like daily life is really gonna get any more fun, anytime soon.

Anyway, here's a good song. Bad Suns is one of my favorite bands, both for their sound, and for the words which express this kind of deep discontent alongside an insistent, unfounded optimism.

"Try tuning out all of my doubts and my mistakes
A streetlight intersection moment of reflection
I can’t live my life this way
Silently screaming, lies on the phone,
Every reason to let go of every demon clutching my bones
But this unbearable feeling feels like home"

"I think it might be getting to me."

I'm okay, this song is just hitting today!

I feel fundamentally broken, incapable of interfacing with human life in an agreeable manner… but that didn’t stop a hundred billion dipshits before me!!!

"Look upon me, does the idiot bleed" is one of my favorite things anyone's ever said in a song. And this album has become one I can return to any moment, and revel in.

Super Sonic Saves the World

GrandPOObear’s excellent playthrough

Jimmy Eat World — "It Matters"

I just can't get enough of how this song sounds

I keep trying to start writing about “how I feel” right now, and it’s both too hard to articulate AND immediately boring to me. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do if you can’t be even a little bit invested in your own story, but right now I’m finding that really difficult!

Anyway, just wanted to type out loud that if I could be less of a weird fuck-up, I would be!!! And I’m always trying to be. I’ve learned so much, but feel like I started from such a deficit in terms of understanding anything at all, while accruing increasing damage along the way. It hurts to try to have bigger, deeper thoughts right now. Like walking on glass. There’s just too much, within myself, and in the unfortunate world, to grapple with right now. I barely survived the last few years. I’m maybe in a more stable place now. I’m really, really trying to be all right and do well by the people who still put up with me.

Jimmy Eat World — It Matters

"I imagine talks that last all night.
Never bring it up, but every day I want to.
I think about us dancing, but it's not something we do.
Well there's my dream — doesn't it sound good to you?"

Jimmy Eat World — Sure and Certain

"What you do works for a time,
until you drop without a warning
sign"

What a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!