I made this collage over 10 years ago. From pictures I took of the closing story in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. When I knew my identity was misaligned, but I didn’t have the context, clarity, and courage to understand and declare myself Trans.

The shared horror of awareness; a beautiful woman and hideous man, sharing the same eye, cosmically entwined, bound and screaming. It felt true and heartbreaking, personal and encoded.

“Hold on,
the howl of the bilennia
The incoherent, glitter”

One Godot thing I like is Signals. I've used similar features elsewhere, but the specific way you set these up is interesting! I'm gonna type up an explanation to help solidify it in my head.

So let's say I want something to happen when I click a UI button. This multiplayer tutorial by curtjs has buttons to Host and Join a session. You can see the green UI Nodes in the leftmost column, and the text buttons they draw in the main viewport.

In the Game scene script, I've already added the signal for _on_host_pressed(). I'm going to create the Signal for when Join is pressed.

(as a note, by default the Inspector and Node columns are on the right side of the screen. I don't like this; it means clicking a Node on the left, and then moving your eyes and cursor all the way to the other side of the screen to change details. Luckily Godot lets you easily move these to a 2nd column on the left side)

So to make a Signal for clicking the Join button (numbered steps below the image):

1. Start by clicking the "Join" Button Node in the Scene tree
2. Make sure "Node" panel is clicked. This shows all the built-in Signals
3. The BaseButton node type has Signals for button_down, button_up, pressed, and toggled. Double-click pressed()
4. This opens a modal, "Connect a Signal to a Method." If you already had the Game Script selected, all the defaults are good. But you can select the Node Script you want to attach the Signal to. You can also customize the name, but it builds a good default! _on seems to be a Signal default, _join is whatever the Node is named, and _pressed is the name of the Signal event!

Finally, click Connect or press Return.

That's it! The function is inserted into your script. So now anything you add to the _on_join_pressed() function will happen when the Join button is pressed!

The Node tab shows the places a signal is received! So presumably you can have the Game script do the Join logic, but could also attach the pressed Signal to other UI elements to animate them, etc. Signals are cool for calling code anytime a certain thing happens, and this is a really neat-feeling way to set up and manage these.

You can also click the little green ->] icon next to the func to see the connection! So the green icon reminds you this is a Signal, and makes it easy to track where it came from.

Cool!

I really enjoyed this article about Xanadu Next! I've been playing a lot of games in the dungeon crawler lineage, and just dipping my toe into Falcom's catalogue. Faxanadu is one of my childhood favorites just for the tone and feeling, and I recently watched a full playthrough and really appreciated its art and music. I know this is different, but I'm still interested!

It's $5 USD on Steam right now, so I'm giving it a try!

I play games on controller whenever I can, and luckily this game has support! BUT, the config tool is obtuse about which button does what.

SO JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY NEEDS IT, here's what I did to make the controller work on Steam:

At launch, In the Configuration Tool, you can change the button assignments. I chose the following button numbers (with playstation buttons after since they're the easiest for me to remember):

• Confirm / Attack: 1 (X)
• Cancel: 2 (Circle)
• Menu: 4 (Triangle)
• Use Item: 3 (Square)

Rotate Camera: There are two of these. They're both labeled "Rotate Camera." Luckily the one on the left rotates left, and right is right. So:

• Rotate Camera [left side]: 5 (L1)
• Rotate Camera [right side]: 6 (R1)
• Map Zoom: 9 (click Left Stick)
• Reset Camera: 10 (click Right Stick)
• System: 8 (Start)

(You don't need to set Next / Prev item and skill, because the D-Pad handles that natively)

Use Mouse didn't work for me, so I fixed that with Steam Input. You may not need to set up custom mouse handling on the Deck, because of touch pad? But you DO need mouse controls, ONLY to move stuff around in the inventory / equip screen. Weird, bizarre oversight to me, but hey it's an old PC game that mostly works.

So in Steam Input, I set:

• Right Stick is always a mouse cursor, at 150% speed
• Left Trigger is Left Click
• I guess you could set Right Trigger to Right Click, but I haven't needed that since I just need to move the right stick over the inventory item, hold LT, and release after moving the item or skill to the right slot

The game is mostly in 3/4 perspective, and the camera rotates like in Xenogears. So use L1 / R1 to rotate the camera 45 degrees at a time.

COOL BYE

In case you, like me, want to hear Dan Mangan's songs from the Comedy Bang Bang show in Vancouver on Aug 12, 2022, I clipped them out!

"Melody" is really hitting for me today. I like the just-released album version, but the pure melancholy in this take is so good.

Fire Escape

Melody

subscribe to cbb world and buy dan's albums, thanks

gender doctor asks me how it's going, say pretty good of course, we both shrug and laugh at the absurdity of assessing status in a world gone mad, it's gratis, greener in another life. well it's pretty good except that every day's a little tireder, I don't like to be awake, I hate my job and hate my days and hate my isolation, calling thrift to take the big old couch i got in '21, hoping for big group hangs and movies, but we still can't breathe each other safely. pretty good except that every day i'm watching myself be dismantled out loud and learning you can lie loud enough that hurt don't matter, they're gonna cackle while their knuckle skin splits however hard we try to be. pretty good except that nothing i do feels like it matters in the least, that if i get a week off work i start to feel alive again like half my brain's submerged formaldehyde and resurrected pulled gasping from the grave. frankenstein myself every day to stagger forward in service of everything i disbelieve. keep the job making oppressive computers wring out microdermabrasions beautifying business

reminding myself that if i can't make cathedrals, i can still paint caves. make my goals smaller and smaller. every dream achieved at my own expense, debt compressing, everybody knows it. forever aged complaints, deliberately loose and artless. nobody receiving, but if i can't scribble bullshit to myself then where do i think the? foreclosing the cave. people hating self so vicious it's catching. lean in to listen, catch a breath-based calamity or moral infirmity

doctor asks how, pretty, except that i used to run five miles and now i don't even want to walk around the block. used to make a room laugh and sing and now it's quietly trying not to bother the neighbors. outburst swallowed til no tums enough for the art burn. stupid wordplay looking at my old emails like how did anybody ever put in the effort to understand me. desperate for novelty at the expense of clarity. evidently brain strange and struggling to crack jokes if that's the only way to be heard.

when i actually say to a doctor how i'm feeling, their eyes widen and they come up short. nothing can fix the frame when its rusted out. so i'll let myself write messy feelings because i earn them

been this way the whole time. perplexingly misbroken and a step away from failure. on either side of the line. everyone eager to cast me down for one misstep, one word out of place, i've been smarter than the class and never paid a decent rate. how's your family? how's your savings? how's your future? how's your bonus? things you take for granted that i won't and never owned. i've been paycheck to paycheck since 2005. and it's stupid just to type it out because all anybody can do about it is say "sorry, wow, that sucks, hope you feel better, don't give up"

motherfucker i give up once or twice a day and decide to keep on anyway. if they tear me down for political discomfort, it wasn't jenga, it was rubble, and was barely worth the struggle

re-reading *Annihilation,” a book I really love even after I hated the movie, because who cares art is everywhere and holding the hater’s face is for mummies.

anyway, I just read this and felt a shudder of resentment and pain go through my chest. I wish I didn’t understand these feelings. I wish I hadn’t been killed at 18, then left to breathe and struggle and carry on anyway. To pretend I was alive. To keep taking on the disappointment of others while every new life withered in my hands.

“There are certain kinds of deaths that one should not be expected to relive,”

“certain kinds of connections so deep that when they are broken you feel the snap of the link inside you.”

I’ve felt too many of those links snap. I can feel the empty space where they used to sit. The genuine love and wonder that I felt for this life and world and the people in it, who were supposed to care for me and instead shoved my face into the dirt. Who convinced me I couldn’t be trusted, especially not inside myself. When all I ever wanted was to dance and sing and laugh and take care of others.

do I have depression? or am I undead?

I guess people post when they've updated their site design?

There are, of course, many things I want to change about this site. I know it's rude that I only have this dark purple theme 😉. Since I work on web code all day for my job, it's been nice to just have this site working and leave it as-is.

BUT I wanted to add some content-relevant changes for my essays. Here's what I added!

Figure Captions

The Kirby CMS makes it really easy to add captions to figures/images. I hadn't styled them, though, so they didn't look associated with the image. So, I added a simple style:

Wider Images

Since I'm using so many widescreen screenshots recently, I've wanted some of them to be wider. So, now they can be:

I am breaking the news of Itty Björk.

Inline Notes

This is what I'm most excited about! Y'all KNOW I love a footnote (House of Leaves from allway back), but weirdly, I don't love a website footnote where you gotta click a link, which jumps to the end of the page and back. It's fine, but usually feels uniquely-disorienting, versus glancing down a printed page.

But some time back, I read this fantastic essay by Tyler Vigen about a weird bridge. I really recommend it!!!

He does something I really like, and have now implemented for myself. He adds little "note" links inline:

When you click them, they just add text inline:

I LOVE IT

So I've added a version of that here,

I based this on Tyler's CSS, which very cleverly handles this without any Javascript.

which is very cool!! But I also wanted to be able to add text without any extra line breaks so I did! This text should just be added into the paragraph, with a different font and background color . Tyler's site uses a monospace font here, and in deference to both him and Mark Z. Danielewski, I'm gonna leave it there too!

This might not be the final version of this, but it's enough for now! I don't love the colors; I know it's a little bit hard on the eyes with the darker background. I'll probably play with the styles! I also want to be able to format the content more, but that'll probably be more involved. Here's a picture of the above notes expanded, for posterity!

To make this easy for me to use, I created a simple Kirby Plugin. Just to make this post MORE of a collage, and because I don't share my code often enough, here's the quick & dirty code!!!

<?php

Kirby::plugin('splendorr/note', [
  'tags' => [
    'note' => [
      'attr' => [
        'break',
      ],
      'html' => function($tag) {
        // Construct id! get first 10 characters of text
        $firstChars = mb_substr($tag->value, 0, 10); 
        // Remove spaces
        $noSpaces = str_replace(' ', '', $firstChars);
        // add a pseudorandom int, just in case two notes start with the same characters
        $id = $noSpaces . rand(1,50000);

        if ($tag->break) {
            $wrap = '<br/><br/>';
        } else {
            $wrap = '';
        }

        /* You CAN add <br> tags inline  */
        return '<span class="inline-note"> <input type="checkbox" id="' . $id .  '"> <label for="' . $id .  '" title="' . $tag->value .  '"></label> <span>' . $wrap . $tag->value . $wrap . '</span> </span>';
      }
    ]
  ]
]);

I will probably do a pass through my Twin Peaks essays, move certain things into notes, and make the screenshots wider.

IS ADDING THESE FEATURES A SIGN OF PERSONAL GROWTH AND HEALTH? OR A "COULD A DEPRESSED PERSON DO THIS?" SCENARIO????

both :)

not me putting on Ani DiFranco's "Dilate" and flashing back immediately the summer before I turned 18, sitting in the parking lot of my job, crying softly to this album out of an inexpressible sadness that I couldn't sound like her, couldn't have the queer experiences that led to these songs, that I was so moved but felt that it wasn't for me, a dorky suburban "boy"

growing up unknowably trans was punctuated so often by moments like this. unspeakable. nebulous chasms and only embarrassment for feeling ways I shouldn't. and then going on anyway.

Everything I do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong...
But oh well.

'Cause the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
And she looks me in the eye
and says, "Would you prefer the easy way?
No? Well, okay, then...
Don't cry."

I wonder if everything I do
I do instead
of something I want to do more?
The question fills my head.
I know there's no grand plan here
this is just the way
it goes.
When everything else seems unclear
I guess at least
I know

I do it for the joy it brings
because I'm a joyful girl.
Because the world owes me
nothing
and we owe each other
the world

I do it because it's the least I can do.
I do it because I learned it
from you.
And I do it just because I want to.
Because I want to.

anyway give this album a listen, it's powerful!

I’m a funny artist musician who has been absolutely pummeled into submission by mistreatment and capitalism

I’m a trans audhd woman who was denied self-knowledge by conservative policy and culture

Every time I make a new friend, eventually they tell me how incredible it is that I haven’t given up

I have given up. Thousands of times. I’m a shadow of the self I know I could have been. But for some reason I also keep deciding to get up and do a little bit more.

I don’t always want to! But I do

New album "life till bones" from oso oso, one of my favorite current rock bands! chill, catchy, crunchy.

(Did bandcamp turn off their embedded player, or just make it harder to find??? the link isn't under the album art on any page I can see. gdi. I can't copy and paste from another post either, because I don't know the unique album code!!! I'M SO SICK OF COMPUTERS DOING SOMETHING USEFUL AND THEN THE COMPANY GETS SOLD AND IT STOPS WORKING)

(WE SHOULD HAVE SOME KIND OF SUSTAINED COMMONS WE CAN RELY ON, AND CORPORATE ACQUISITIONS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL)

(I'M SO BORED OF THINKING ABOUT THIS)

anyway the first few tracks are great, buy it if ya can :]