not me putting on Ani DiFranco's "Dilate" and flashing back immediately the summer before I turned 18, sitting in the parking lot of my job, crying softly to this album out of an inexpressible sadness that I couldn't sound like her, couldn't have the queer experiences that led to these songs, that I was so moved but felt that it wasn't for me, a dorky suburban "boy"

growing up unknowably trans was punctuated so often by moments like this. unspeakable. nebulous chasms and only embarrassment for feeling ways I shouldn't. and then going on anyway.

Everything I do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong...
But oh well.

'Cause the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
And she looks me in the eye
and says, "Would you prefer the easy way?
No? Well, okay, then...
Don't cry."

I wonder if everything I do
I do instead
of something I want to do more?
The question fills my head.
I know there's no grand plan here
this is just the way
it goes.
When everything else seems unclear
I guess at least
I know

I do it for the joy it brings
because I'm a joyful girl.
Because the world owes me
nothing
and we owe each other
the world

I do it because it's the least I can do.
I do it because I learned it
from you.
And I do it just because I want to.
Because I want to.

anyway give this album a listen, it's powerful!