My web site broke for a few weeks because of a hosting issue, and I couldn't be bothered to fix it. I barely have energy for the bare minimum right now. I entirely self-isolated from mid-December until last week, not sharing physical space with other people for longer than was necessary, because I was much more worried about covid than almost everyone around me. I hate this virus, this place, this incessant parade of obvious malfunction.
I'm unfortunately reflecting on how many people I've let down in my life, because I had one of my periodic self-destructive breaks. So many friendships I truly loved, exploded because something broke in me while struggling to maintain daily life. I'm pretty sure 90% of the people I've ever met think of me as "that fuckin' guy," when they think of me at all. I'm not just projecting; I've heard secondhand from several people in recent years that former friends I just couldn't keep up with for some reason have very low opinions of me.
I've been trying, the whole time. I'm gonna keep trying. But I keep coming back to a fundamentally unpleasant experience of day to day life. It's terrible in here, being me. Antidepressants kept me alive and functional for the last couple of years, even as I accidentally lost touch with most of the people I was closest to. I started taking them, my emotions went haywire, a long relationship ended, I couldn't bear the group chats, and almost nobody even asked me how I felt about the collapse. Maybe I should have spoken up for myself. I haven't felt like I could, there's no excuse, I just don't function properly. Maybe I need to ask to try different drugs, because it's not looking like daily life is really gonna get any more fun, anytime soon.
Anyway, here's a good song. Bad Suns is one of my favorite bands, both for their sound, and for the words which express this kind of deep discontent alongside an insistent, unfounded optimism.
"Try tuning out all of my doubts and my mistakes
A streetlight intersection moment of reflection
I can’t live my life this way
Silently screaming, lies on the phone,
Every reason to let go of every demon clutching my bones
But this unbearable feeling feels like home"