This is an album that I love singing along with, even though I have never fully-parsed most of the lyrics for meaning. It starts out in a striking and unusual way, with dozens of voices harmonizing in a Beach Boys Go To Church vein, but by the middle of the album hits a stride of rock theatricality without sacrificing momentum that I can't get enough of.

I just sent an email to someone about a possible job, and you know what? I feel bad about my a lot of the time, but describing myself to a potential employer in the realms of programming, web, and general multimedia computer work is actually great. My resumé is ridiculous. The variety of things I've done — mostly pretty well — over the last decade is ABSURD. Sometimes I feel bad because it's hard to narrow down the field to what's relevant while also giving a sense of the breadth of my experience.

Did you know I managed apartments for 3 years, and increased revenue 30% YOY each year by focusing on resident experience, improving work orders, renovating old units, and overall just treating people right? Did you know I was hired as a designer at a silkscreen, trophy, and engraving shop, and then was the de facto manager for six months while the owners dealt with health issues but still screamed at me every time they came into the shop? Did you know I've done UI and UX work for a very cool, unannounced game project? Did you know I've done research and design work for world-famous authors Mark Z. Danielewksi and Coleman Barks? Did you even know that I once re-cut and did major audio cleanup on a documentary? Do you know that I managed a small university's student Mac lab? Do you know I've designed, laid out, proofread, and helped plot out other people's books? Do you know that I sang on a song that was featured in episode 100 of Welcome to Night Vale? Do you know how many fucking projects in every available medium I've had a hand in???

This is just a fraction of the things I can list that might sound impressive to somebody.

And this is one reason I can get so down on myself; despite doing so many things, and despite becoming invaluable any place I've ever worked, it's just... never enough. I've never been comfortable. I've mostly lived at or around the poverty line my whole adult life. When I've made more hourly money in recent years, I thought I could spend more time on those other sundry projects, but it's turned out that I still couldn't get enough work in a year to make enough money to break even. It's been really easy in recent months to turn all of these accomplishments against myself negatively; I've asked myself repeatedly what any of it is worth if I can still reach a point where I can't pay my bills. What good is it to be extremely useful to literally any creative venture or business I've ever worked with, if I can never feel secure? And I accept plenty of responsibility for prioritizing doing interesting things over taking secure work at a few different points. But... man, I'm so tired.

But it was nice to send a stranger an email and basically be like, "Hey! I can do all this stuff! I'm just ridiculously useful." Especially when I have been struggling to reach usefulness lately. I can do it. I've done so many things, and I'll do a thousand more things before I let our vampiric capitalist hellscape convince me I'm not worth keeping around.

I’ve made so many kinds of things! I just found these two copies of books I designed and laid out in their entirety, from almost ten years ago now. Both tasks I just stumbled into, did to the best of my ability, and then never found another book job again.

I’ve been reflecting on how many people I’ve helped make their thing, or helped counsel so that they made decisions that wound up being really good for them, and how often I’ve felt left behind or like people go on to bigger things and I’m left holding some trinket or memory. It’s a negative framing, and one I want to set aside.

I think I have been a truly great facilitator of other people’s work, and I’m glad to be able to do that. I’m grateful when people trust me to help them. The only thing better than knowing someone you admire trusts your perspective is having that but also being able to pay your bills! A rare confluence.

Y'all I just wanna say that, I know I'm livejournal trash from way back, and I want to thank you for sticking with me here if you've read this site. I've really needed some place to just write longer-form things, and some of it has been from the depths of my depression. I've been seeing a new counselor, doing more good-health things that help, and am seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in a couple weeks about maybe trying medicine since I've just been unable to escape some of my recent mental troughs. I've been unable to work without descending into immediate anxiety and distress for a lot of the last couple of months, which sure hasn't helped! But I'm doing everything I can, with help from good friends, to navigate my way to longer-term improved mental health.

This is still gonna be a place where I post whatever I feel like, because it helps me to have a place to write without judgment, and the hope that it might help SOMEBODY to see it, even if that's just me. I'm also gonna try to not be in the place where I want to write from my depths as much. I have a couple of new short fiction things that I'm almost ready to share, and hope to talk more about the other creative work I've been doing but haven't shared much.

So. Thanks for hanging with me. Talk if you need to talk. Let people know if you need help. We're in this thing, but luckily we're in here together.

Bout to get this cleaned up. I think it’s the longest my hair’s ever gotten! It tends to look better if it’s several inches shorter, so the ends can curl up and there’s not as much weight pulling down on the top.

Somebody asked me this week if I thought I would get a short haircut again, and the answer is not anytime soon! I hated the way my hair looked with almost every short haircut I had from my teens to my late 20s. Some of them were fine, I guess. But as messy as long hair can get sometimes, I’ve felt more natural and at-ease with at least that part of myself since I grew it out a few years ago.

There are some people who only know me with long hair. That’s weird to think about!

warning for extremely hot pop music

i haven't been able to have a lot of strong feelings lately, but this music makes me want to want

welcome to my now, now fan site

buy this album please

I've listened to this album hundreds of times this year. I can't get enough of this vibe. The bass-heavy insistence is perfect. I want to make a song that feels like this.