I think the last time I really enjoyed using a computer was 2013, give or take! Things coasted for a few years after that, but right now the only reason I can use a computer is because my job provides me with one. However, it's locked down and frustrating in too many ways to count.

Things I had in 2013–2017 that all worked smoothly together, that I no longer have:

• My own functioning laptop, with ports that work with hardware that I own!
• Reason for music and podcast production, before forced Mac updates caused the interface to lag exponentially the longer a project was open. I'm not gonna subscribe to this shit just to find out if I can make it work again. I haven't made an effort to learn Reaper yet, because I don't own a computer I'm allowed to install it on, and don't have hardware for inputs!
• Reliable XLR interface for microphones. I had one that worked for like 10 years, a firewire 800 interface that eventually I dongled into 2.0, and then died. The next one I bought with USB 2.0 didn't have external power, and the 2012 Macbook I have doesn't consistently provide USB power. So when I try to use it, periodically all the software freaks out because it loses connection. When I try connecting it to a USB-C hub into my newer work macbook, it freaks out intermittently in a different way, because USB-C hubs are bullshit
• same with USB MIDI interface. I have a USB 2.0 midi adapter with a bunch of knobs that I bought in ~2006, and really loved using! can't get it to work with a computer anymore
• Photoshop! Motherfucking Photoshop!!!!!! I AM VERY GOOD AT USING PHOTOSHOP AND I CANNOT / WILL NOT PAY A MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION FOR IT AND I HATE THEM SO MUCH NOW. When I did try subscribing, it ran worse every 6 months on my aging hardware. Maybe I could get my job to pay for a subscription, but fuck Adobe.
• Acoustic guitar, because the one my dad gave me at age 15, he made my brother take back 15 years later when I cut ties after they voted for Trump and finally broke the illusion that I was getting anything out of our relationship but pain. Fuck him, too.
• A fucking car

... I could keep on. I acquired all these pieces at considerable personal cost, and slowly they died while I didn't make enough money to replace them. I'm making more money this year than I ever have, but I'm also paying greater expenses than ever, and paying off debt that accumulated while I struggled to survive. Or, if they didn't die, irresponsible software developers and ignorant hardware designers gradually made my shit stop working even when it was physically fine.

I really, really want access to tools I'm comfortable using, so I can think less about the tools and more about the work. I don't like Affinity Photo, it literally can't do some of the things I like doing most. I don't like Reaper's interface, though I'm going to try to learn it whenever I can save enough to try replacing some of this hardware. But fundamentally I have to buy myself a new computer, which is so fucking expensive, and none of the computers I could stand to use have the old ports that will work with my old shit. So I have to buy all that stuff again, too. Thousands and thousands of dollars I don't have. Years and years of experience and knowledge, obsoleted and inaccessible.

It's horrific how expensive it is just to live in this stupid country. And how unreliable our expensive tools are. And how much of what I enjoy doing depends on these commercial objects. I truly hate it!!!!!!

But I sure would like to be able to make some music again.

now, now — set it free

this is one the best-sounding grooves ever produced!!!!!! what the fuck

I want to (a) be able to make music for more than hour without feeling like shit, (b) have a computer that can run music software again, and (c) figure out how to make a song that sounds like this

On Long COVID: A population survey of 3,000 U.S adults found that 7% of all respondents reported Long COVID (using the UK definition). Long COVID was less common – but not eliminated – among those who were boosted.

“Long COVID is now the country’s 3rd leading neurological disorder” the American Academy of Neurology declared in July. Severity & lasting effect on the brain may not be related: people with cold-like symptoms are developing issues with cognition, anxiety, depression & sleep.

Deaths: From September 8th through September 14th, 2,503 people died of COVID nationally.

From The People’s CDC weekly report.

I don’t know what the answer is. But please don’t give me a hard time about not wanting to gather with people indoors. I hate it, so much. But not more than I want to prevent me and as many other people as possible from dealing with avoidable chronic health issues or death!!!!!!!!!

as a masculine-presenting person, I have been regarded in public as a distasteful and probably-threatening person my whole adult life, and while I’ve never really gotten used to it, I can accept it.

anyway I dunno if it’s the 15 pounds I put on when I couldn’t exercise during the first year of covid, all the stress and age finally hitting my face, or what, but lately I’ve been gettin a real homunculus stink eye from strangers in public. Maybe it’s partly because I keep wearing a mask to go in buildings. maybe it’s my energy, which has not been particularly high.

about five years ago I had managed to be more fit, more energetic, had some good vibes going even though financially I was always one step from doom. crossing the threshold into 2020 took an awful lot from me, including all that stuff. now I’ve got steady work but it’s no fun / not responsible(!!!!) going out to places, all my favorite spots in this city are gone anyway, annnnnd time is just matching me on further and further from ever having had a chance to really embrace a life I could have loved.

anyway, I sure do hate my body and the way it seems like most people perceive me through it!!!!! i am not an enemy, and i sure as shit didn’t ask to look like this

demi lovato — dead friends

demi lovato — substance

this album is a rockpoppunk celebration, and I love it!!!

Just came back to Helena Deland's "Something New." I really love this record. Alongside Now, Now's "Saved," and probably a couple other albums I found in the last couple years, this beat-driven ambient pop is what my songs would sound like now, if I could have songs

Me when I wake up on a Friday morning:

(yo this berserk comic is fucked up, who knew)

🥲🫣

but, minor damage aside, “The Passion of David Lynch” is incredible, one of my favorite critical works ever. Highly recommend it. I’m about to start Nochimson’s “Swerves” which takes up where “Passion” leaves off, with Lost Highway.