there’s so much anguish for just enough money to live. just enough money to live. just enough to not worry every night about it all vanishing, hint-of-almond stress with no reprieve. it’s sucked the pleasure out of so many things; drained the desire to have anything to say, and to find interesting ways to say it. people say, “sounds like you’re doing better!” when I say that I’ve been working, because working is well-being and if I can work at least I won’t be hungry, even if there’s no desire left for the food

(I’m “fine,” just thinking)

oh well! I'm making it. somewhere, somehow, I will figure out how to live peacefully with myself

“Fight the Darkness” by Ozma

Their album “Spending Time on the Borderline” is a long-time favorite. I regret not seeing them the one night Zach and I drove to Charlotte to get a couch from my aunt, and they happened to be playing that night. Too tired, I thought. I’ll catch them next time. I think that was their last tour? OOPS

I did see them at the Masquerade in Atlanta, I think twice? Fantastic band.

things come and go. there is no sense to it. i drifted widely over my life in memory today, so many beautiful and terrible and boring moments, all the heart and heat of youth giving way to the desolate atom of adulthood, the choosing to go on despite it all. and i do choose to go on. but i feel every lost connection as a former limb, and feel the inclination to walk on feet that aren’t there. i have loved and then disappointed some of the best people i’ve ever met. it scalds me to think of it. hiss and pull my hand away. it all hurts so much sometimes, the sense that nothing ever ended for any reason beyond my own inconsistency, my restlessness, my melancholy, my inability to be someone i could stand. i’m still trying. but it’s not easy to have to keep being this person, without so many of the things that made me someone worth being in the first place. memories aren’t a comfort. they’re a curse because i was always, always at fault, and i always thought i was giving it my best.

butterfly boucher — soul back

she is so good! played all the instruments on this record, incredible voice, great songs. been a fan ever since I saw her open for the barenaked ladies in like 2003 or 2004, playing alone on a huge arena stage with just her guitar. music I've returned to at least every few months ever since. and all of her albums are great! including her more recent band, elle macho.

get you some butterfly!!!!

the japanese house — lilo

Formerly of Roadkill Ghost Choir, whose last album False Youth Etcetera became one of my favorites just after they stopped being a band. But several members have formed a new band, Lo Talker, and their new album is out! I think these folks write some of my favorite lyrics in a long time, mysterious and relatable and singable. Buy it if you can!

every time I tell someone I love the (old) Barenaked Ladies, they look at me like they've never listened to a full album. damb shame

one of the bands that helped me understand my depression:

The hearts you choose to break
Like cars dumped in the lake
The laugh lines on your face
The life I won't embrace

I live with it every day
Even though we moved away
Our yesterdays are on a loop;
A marathon of heartbreaking moments
I live with it every day
For every step I have to pay
The only thing that they can't take:
The guilt that spirals in my wake

shrug!

followed immediately by this great singalong? getouttaheeeeaaaaaaaa

not pictured: I've been trying to do a simple work task for over an hour and instead wound up taking this test after doing ten other things

good news: I'm pursuing treatment for adhd as we speak