for a long time, like a lot of us, I’ve had the compulsive desire to just see… more stuff. read twitter, look at newsfeeds, all of it. just show me new things, it doesn’t matter what they are. curiosity, obsession, avarice, boredom. whatever the reasons.
lately though when I open up one of these networked floodgates, I’m just… disgusted, immediately. worse, I’m not even interested. I don’t want to see any of it. there’s plenty I’m interested in elsewhere, so I think it’s
a positive shift, but… it’s strange, to have no desire where there used to be a bottomless pit of readiness to receive and be piqued.
I’ve been decaffeinating. trying to be calmer. reading books. working as steadily as I can. in general, trying to slow my mind. it still roars away from me regularly, but it’s working. maybe it’s that. on the other hand, I’ve been feeling kind of empty, generally devoid of desire. but it’s also been easier for me to say that I want something, functionally anyway, and to move toward it.
I don’t know. right now, the only thing I’m hungry for is peace. and I don’t feel hunger for it, just… a clear need. there’s no room for the chaos of too many voices shouting thoughtlessly, or of yet another news article about an interesting technology that won’t be useful to anyone in our lifetimes. that’s too cynical. it just… doesn’t feel important or meaningful for me to keep up with the torrent right now. I just want to secure my own space in this burning world and make room enough to live as peacefully as I can.