i just want to note something that I don't like at all, but which I've observed change in myself over the last few years. in the face of feeling utterly lost, being broke for long stretches, etc etc, it's become very difficult for me to feel anything positive about someone else's success. I just caught myself, having been directed to a blog, seeing that this person I've never heard of has published a book, recently moved to a country they like, and made note of the love they feel for their child and fiancee. All I felt was an immediate revulsion, jealousy mixed with self-loathing. "Must be fucken nice," I thought, "to have the feeling that you're in charge of your life and that you like where you are."
I feel this repeatedly, throughout my days now. I really wish I didn't. I'm trying to catch and redirect that feeling.
Even worse (maybe), is that I can't also recognize my "successes" as such. I say this is because the aggregate feeling of my life is still one of disappointment and despair. I've held in my hands, at various times, the sensations of creative fulfillment, strong relationships, love for a place, and aspiration for the future. I don't have access to any of those things most of the time now.
So experiencing the disgust I feel for myself, my life, and my circumstances (even as, perhaps, they begin to improve in a long-term view), it feels very difficult to admire or appreciate someone else's success. I do manage it. But it usually has to pass through a valley of self-loathing first.
SO THAT'S FUN