Content warnings for depression, medicine, and past suicidal thoughts.
Hello! I posted a month ago about starting to take antidepressants, in day-by-day detail. I'm not gonna do that again! But I do want to follow up.
It's been up and down! The first week was weird, and then in the second and third weeks I was a lot more focused and energized than usual. Since then it's been up and down, with the last couple of weeks trending back downward toward low motivation, more difficulty communicating, working, and moving around in general. I've also been having more of the kind of needless self-abusive thoughts that had become a real problem — but only a little bit!
The reasons I started taking medicine finally are because I have had increasing difficulty simply doing necessary tasks over the last year, and because I was starting to wonder if being alive was something I could keep doing. I didn't want to die, but I spend a lot more time than I should have with the question nagging at the back of my thoughts. It was pretty common for me to get wrapped up in an internal spiral of worry, fear, and disgust that dismantled a lot of the meaning in things I was doing. I can report that I have basically stopped getting that low, and had a lot less anxiety. That's so great!
After a couple of weeks where it was just... easier to do things, I can track a steady decline in that area over the last few weeks. This last week I've gotten very little done that's useful. I can play video games, I can squeak out bits of creative work, and I can be relaxed, but longer periods of productive work and social time have become difficult again. Putting off communication and labor in favor of just... waiting a little longer. Maybe in a bit I'll feel like doing it. But when I can't reach that point, something needs to change.
It was easy for me to start feeling like the whole project wasn't working out; that I was sliding back into darkness, that it just wasn't going to work. But luckily it's been much easier for me to get out of that kind of negative zone, and to make more positive assessments and changes. And, luckily, I have regular appointments scheduled with a psychiatrist and a counselor, so if things get weird, there are markers to look forward to and recalibrate around.
So after a conversation with my doctor today, we're leaving my Lexapro (Escitalopram) dosage at 10mg/day, and increasing my Wellbutrin (Bupropion) from 100mg to 150mg, to hopefully bring my motivation and energy up. It's normal for your body to adapt to metabolizing medicine more quickly over time, so after my initial positive response, tapering of effects is normal enough. You have to find the balance that works over time.
Things I haven't done as well in the last few weeks: I haven't exercised as much as I'd like, and I've gotten over-caffeinated too many days. These are both things I have to keep an eye on. If I run a few miles and do some basic bodyweight exercises, I feel better all the way around. If I keep my total coffee intake down below 3 cups over the course of a day, I can relax and concentrate much better. But it's been hard to get moving and do exercise, so then I wind up having more coffee out of habit, and that's an unhelpful cycle!
It's hard generally to make a living right now, and it's hard to feel safe. Almost everyone I know is struggling to pay their bills. Most of us don't have insurance or have terrible insurance we're overpaying for. There are lots and lots of reasons to be worried, and to question how useful our actions are. But those questions shouldn't be debilitating. I don't want them to be. I want to find hope, energy, and habits that help me be the best version of myself I can be. I want to be here for my friends, my colleagues, my loved ones, and for myself. So, I'm continuing on the path! Thanks for reading, and do whatever you need to feel as good as you can, friend!