things come and go. there is no sense to it. i drifted widely over my life in memory today, so many beautiful and terrible and boring moments, all the heart and heat of youth giving way to the desolate atom of adulthood, the choosing to go on despite it all. and i do choose to go on. but i feel every lost connection as a former limb, and feel the inclination to walk on feet that aren’t there. i have loved and then disappointed some of the best people i’ve ever met. it scalds me to think of it. hiss and pull my hand away. it all hurts so much sometimes, the sense that nothing ever ended for any reason beyond my own inconsistency, my restlessness, my melancholy, my inability to be someone i could stand. i’m still trying. but it’s not easy to have to keep being this person, without so many of the things that made me someone worth being in the first place. memories aren’t a comfort. they’re a curse because i was always, always at fault, and i always thought i was giving it my best.