Thinking about motivation. Yesterday my brother said he wished I could get as excited about our project as I do about Fortnite's new season (extremely good) or finally watching the 2nd and into the 3rd season of Avatar: the Last Airbender (basically perfect). I am excited about it, but every day I wake up like I'm coming out of a deep freeze, reminding myself what I do, gradually overriding the sense that effort is futile and that I need escape in something meaningless.
There were a lot of years, I'm sorry to report, where that sentiment was effectively true.
It's funny to be able to remember when I didn't have this problem. Really, up until I was 21 or 22, I had a deep well of internal motivation; I wrote hundreds of songs as a teenager, drew pictures or wrote stories long into the night, like my life depended on it — no, like it was the only thing I wanted to do. There's a difference. Because now my life does depend on a subset of my creative work, and fuck me if it didn't come long after the wave had crested and broken. But it's here, so I try to pair present circumstances with energy that only arrives intermittently. Like... exhumed.
Trying not to think too hard about the strange fact of someone buying a copy of the album I released in 2007, with a nice little note, and that it’s the 2nd copy anybody ever bought in 13 years 🙃 Or is that true? Maybe somebody bought it from me when I released it and then abruptly stopped trying to perform or promote it. I'm wired wrong from the start; I've gotten so many projects to the point of transcription or initial completion and then fallen off the motivational cliff. Everything scraped in under the professor's locked door.
I assume they bought it after I mentioned it here a few days ago. If so, thank you for the kind note. Received.
Which album from 2004 that I really enjoyed have I completely forgotten about? What lives only on a burned disc spindle that used to get sticky in my accord?
Self-involved meanderings. Pardon our regress.
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Looked at Spotify's recommended new releases. New songs by The Velvet Teen, The Juliana Theory, Foxy Shazam.... even Poe? Ancient voices stir.
What I'm trying to say is: I'm trying to create the new era, in the death of the old, against massive gravity, and my own density. I want to channel who I once was, or become a new version that works. It's been a real ride, the whole time, but especially the last year. A year ago this time, I was at a record low. In perfect solo ellipsis isolation, I could almost believe things were all right. I'm self-centered, but I'm outward-facing. Nerves connected more to the skin than the spine; too many endings in the eyes. Events carry current; shock collar deterrent.
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Correction: it's a different Poe.
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But the only Velvet Teen.
"a mean mind in the way of seeing or receiving the warm summer rays"
These are disconnected snippets from my mean mind. I'll take some deep breaths, and begin again.