I’m sure she’s glad to be rid of her old self, and here I am still missing her.

The Inimitable Starsailor

Thanks.

Nothing's the same. We keep doing what we've always done out of habit.

That's not a good enough reason.

We go to that same restaurant and order that same meal even though it doesn't taste as good as it used to.

Change is hard.

We don't even notice that we need to change.

And if we change, what do we do now?

— Daniel Steinberg, Dim Sum Thinking

Or,

I miss carrying a camera with a real zoom. But this will do for now.

Nothing gets to stand alone in the stream, and the experience of reading it can only be explained as absurd, incohesive, and disorienting. The reason our feeds eventually become all jokes and rage is because they’re both hysterical—the only thread that can tie it all together.

It’s surprising how quickly we consented to reading everything through streams and algorithms, and how ill-equipped we are to emotionally manage it. Everything is slotted alongside anything else, so it is natural to feel like everything is connected, but nothing in the world fits together. We all know how streams and advertising illicit anger through rage mechanics, but less has been said in popular media of how algorithms and big data incite paranoia and magical thinking.

— Frank Chimero

they really didn't have to go this hard, but the writers of epic seven are not fucking around with this game that wants you to click auto-battle thousands of times. this is how i fall asleep most nights, listening to the regular features podcast and playing this game. i used to read books to fall asleep, but i get too anxious now. or maybe it was years of sleeping in rooms with people who need perfect dark to sleep, while i've always needed a light on. a couple of years ago, my headlamp stopped working. the accidental descent into habits you never wanted. "those who endlessly yearn for hope will experience far more frustration than those who never had any to begin with." god damn.

i don't know exactly how i became the person i am now, but i'm trying to exert more direct influence over who i become next, rather than wallowing in perceived powerlessness. however much time we all have left. whatever happens. i'm not going to stop yearning for hope. you can be frustrated and still act. in fact, overcoming frustration can be a powerful motivation. let's fight for ourselves and each other, however we can.

anime advice

delete all future events :(

this has been a repeating event on my calendar for years. i've gone to almost every one. now the place is closed. i'm sad in a way that will probably take years to feel completely

So many things are changing, moving, ending, rearranging right now. Several of my favorite places, my personal institutions and havens, closed down this month. The bookshop, the donut shop, the karaoke bar. My haunts, exorcised from a city, anointed by rising rent. What do you lose when you lose a place? The infinite layers of memory, or at least a major source of their recurrence. How many friends, books, and worries I had breakfast with at Ike & Jane. The true site of my adult reblooming into someone capable of fun, singing and dancing at Go Bar. The incalculable variety of experiences both shopping and working at Avid Bookshop. Gone with the new year.

These are just the physical things. The ones I’m comfortable talking about. An extraordinary, excruciating number of things have changed in the last 6 months, and continue to cascade into new waves of disruption.

I’m trying to face them with determination, willingness, and resilience. I want to find excitement, where I’ve only been able to find dread. I’ll keep going. But for now, I’m maxed out and reeling. One step at a time. Just not in the same old places.

dream last night where a guy was wearing a t-shirt with TOBACCO written twice vertically down his shirt,

T
O
B
A
C
C
O

like from above each nipple down to the belly button

and he barged into this big mall-looking area like, "who the fuck are you?" and then a young johnny depp-looking character (aka sleazy and self-satisfied with a goatee and his shitty little hat) stepped forward and said, "i'm the guy that put tobacco in your lungs" and stabbed two knives through the middle of the words

i woke up feeling like shit

annnnnd i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have had this dream if not for playing devil may cry 5 last week, which i liked a lot better than this dream!