despite whatever diagnoses, explanations, or traumatic dislocations, despite pushing on regardless, endurance tests, or temporary triumphs
[omit 1000 words of similar because so far clarifying hasn’t really seemed to help]
I haven’t been at peace with myself for going on two decades. I haven’t been able to enjoy being this for very long at all. I haven’t found a place for me, to feel valued and contributing, to feel fulfilled and recognized.
I really want it! I want to be myself, use what’s best in me, and have enough money to stop worrying. I haven’t stopped worrying about money at any point in my adult life. Lots of people don’t. But I really want to. I made about $14,000 last year, despite working harder than ever. Used a lot to keep paying off debt. I survived the pandemic, so far. I have decent part time work right now, but somehow it’s not enough. Bills and debt keep asking for more! I want to keep my own place to live. I want to finally become myself. And I want to get paid just enough money doing something I’m good at to just relax for a little bit.
But I can’t. I have to keep doing more. Keep taking on work. Keep studying new skills for no money. It’s never been enough, no matter how many things I learn to do. Why? Should have moved to a big city, but I could never afford it. Should have applied to more jobs? Learned different things? Just keep going, almost there, nearly 35 years old and every year I’ve been told I’m almost there, I’m so close, one of these things is going to pay off. For some people, it happens! People who know less than I do about several of my domains make an exorbitant amount of money. Why not me?
I’m really tired right now, but I don’t get to stop. Just gotta keep going. And I will. But I am not happy about it.
SORRY FOR COMPLAINGIN